How to Create a Greater Relationship with Your Kids
This blog was written from a transcript of the Misfit Squad Podcast, where Trina Rice and Kim Lucien invite you to embrace your difference and turn what is wrong about you into what is strong about you! Go HERE to check it out.
What if you were willing to receive the judgments of being a bad parent? We often look at what's required to make our kids happy, and lose ourselves in the process. So today we're inviting you to empower not only your kids, but to also empower you.
So how do you do that? What does that mean?
Being a bad parent is interesting. It always pushes so many buttons when we ask people that question. We're not asking you to be a bad parent - we’re just asking you to have the willingness to be judged as one.
It’s a different thing because a lot of choices that you make you make as a parent may not be the choices that other parents are making, or that your parents made, or your family has made, and you could be judged for that. Instead of making their judgments real and true, choose what you know is going to create more for yourself and for your relationship with your children. Choose what you know rather than basing it off of what somebody else said it should look like, be like, or what it has been with your parents in the past. Once you can do this, your relationship with your kids will improve greatly. Here are a few other things you can do to improve your relationship with your children.
1. Have Allowance
Allowance is basically not judging yourself and allowing yourself to choose what you’re going to choose without judgment.
In this blog, we’re talking more specifically about having an allowance for your choices - what you’re willing to choose, the choices you make for you and your family and the allowance for your children’s choices. That means letting them choose whatever it is without judging them or trying to change it.
Easier said than done, we know! Did your parents ever try to control you to make sure you made the right choices? Did they ever have a point of view about what you should and shouldn’t choose? How did that make you feel? What did that create? Did you listen to them and see their wise, wise ways? Or did you rebel at all costs to assert your independence? Remembering that might help you have more allowance for your children’s choices. Can you be willing to let them choose for themselves even if it’s going to momentarily create a “bad situation?”
If they do make that choice, what does their choice create?
What may be right about their choice that you currently are not able to see or acknowledge?
Parenting from allowance and parenting from awareness is the willingness to recognize that you don’t actually have all the answers. You must learn to ask questions, of yourself and of your children, that will allow them (and you!) to become aware of what their choices will create.
You start by asking questions to gain insight:
If my child chooses this, what will that create for them?
If I choose this, what will this create for me? For my family? For my children?
You may have some immediate insights. And, you may not. Do your best not to fill in the answers from your head. If nothing comes to mind, you can jot down a few ideas, but also give it a few days and see what you become aware of. You may get a new piece of information that fills in the gaps for you. When you can do this for yourself, it allows you to ask your children as well to help them see what their choices are creating, now, and in the future.
One example of this is allowing your child to eat whatever they want, rather than what you think they should eat. A friend tried this one time. When she asked her child what he wanted to eat for breakfast, he said ice cream. So she gave him ice cream. When she asked him what he wanted for lunch, he said ice cream. When she asked him what he wanted for dinner, can you guess what he said? When he said ice cream she asked, “Are you sure? Is that what your body really wants?” And he said yes. So he did get ice cream for dinner, and then he also got sick afterwards. That wasn’t what his body wanted, he was just trying to see how much control he had in the situation. The mom took care of him when he was sick that night and he realized that maybe eating 3 meals of ice cream wasn’t his best choice! But once he realized the choice was his, he did actually start listening to his body. Can you imagine what it would be like if you never got disconnected from your body and what it wants to eat?
Allowing your child to choose empowers them to:
Trust their own choices
Realize that if they make a ‘mistake,’ it’s just awareness and they will be alright.